2001 ANNUAL DINNER SPEECH - Michelle Harvie
By Michelle Harvie
I'll begin as Kevin did last year last year with apologies that I'm not Mary. Yes once again the infamous KMC raconteur Mary Stewart cannot be with you tonight. She is allegedly attending a 40th birthday party, but I can't believe Mary has friends that old. When Mary delegated the honour to me she assured me that Dave would help. This was reassuring as there are at least 7 Dave's in the club but I didn't realise she meant Irish Dave; he's certainly the quietest Irish person I've ever met.
I'm glad you could all get here tonight battling with fuel shortages, and our shambolic public transport. It's good job there are people like Kevin toiling away to pioneer sustainable transport systems within the UK. Kevin is of course known affectionately to his friends as "Green Kev", as he only drives green cars, particularly those owned by our erstwhile speaker from the emerald isle.
Now before I go any further may I ask for any mobile phones to be switched off? Yes, this yuppie accessory has been noticed creeping into some KMC rucksacks. Mobile phones were of course invented so you can tell your friends you are sitting on a train. I wonder how many calls you could make from the Snowdon railway or the Caingorm funicular? Personally I'm a techno phobe, I can't stand the things; you wouldn't catch me with one.
So here I am. Having agreed to speak I wondered what was actually involved. How long was I supposed to speak? I have been reliably informed that the KMC record is 45 minutes; we'll see how I go. I went to the world wide web which is of course short for w.w.w and looked under "after dinner speaking". This was little help but I was proud to have been asked to speak instead of a prestigious list of speakers who advertised their services there. We could have had Bernard Manning; but this may of upset the LLC, Ken Dodd, or even the ex MP Neil Hamilton or his redoubtable wife Christine. Obviously the committee were unable to stuff sufficient readies in brown paper envelopes to persuade them to come.
I wrote to Uncle B- "How was I to overcome my nerves?" He replied with his usual empathy. "Dear Michelle, don't worry after dinner speaking is daunting but its just like leading your first VS in the rain in big boots". Anybody who knows much about my climbing prowess will realise this was small comfort. Certain member of the KMC were also keen to give me juicy gossip about the misadventures of their fellow club members - but more of this later.
The club has been active this year both at home and abroad. Andy led a Scottish winter mountaineering trip in February which doubled as a fitness programme for Jesper. Spring saw the usual exodus to Salford-on-sea on the Costa Lanca in Spain where hopeful climbers train so they can look good on the climbing walls over the summer. Meanwhile our president, Sabs & Mary, Rick and Ruth headed off to the big walls in Yosemite. The usual suspects headed to the Alps in the summer including off course Alpine Al. And well done to Neville for not organising the Dolomites trip; I believe it was a great success. Sue and her extended family cycled in Holland. I believe John is writing a book entitled cycling on a budget in Holland. Pete and Jeremy climbed and paddled in the Ardesh; the river level must have been low! The KMC crèche went to Fontanbleu and Disney World. It is rumoured that French rock jocks are now wearing Colin's flat caps; Mickey Mouse unfortunately could not fit the cap over his ears. Several teams had a gentle stroll over the GR20 in Corsica with some serious swimming and wine drinking while Linda Crossley walked the John Muir trail from San Francisco to LA. Finally our president, Chris and Rob recently returned from Morocco where Chris obviously failed to find a barber and Rob head butted Moroccan rock to find it was not as forgiving as rear windscreens.
Back at home the committee has been working hard organising the hugely successful Black memorial lecture. There have been some great performances on rock particularly from the ladies. Sheena has inspired us all this year by her climbing with great leads such as great North road on Millstone. VS er has impressed everyone in her first year of climbing and is now leading needless to say VS, while Sabina continues to notch up impressive leads.
Neville and Pete are stepping down as vice presidents mainly as they failed to bring any vice into the club; lets hope Dave and Midge do a bit better. Dave (Wylie) has of course been a star (or should I say fusion of hydrogen and helium gas) by keeping the difficult, nigh impossible task of managing the hut and the hut committee. I'm sure we are all grateful for his efforts over the last few years. The next AGM could be interesting, it is rumoured Elton John will be standing as treasurer, and Al Gore and George Bush have agreed to act a tellers to count our votes. We reassured George Bush he would not have to count beyond his fingers and toes.
As well as the memorial lecture Bowden was remembered at the summer Cader Idris meet where Bowdens grandson joined the club to drink red wine and climb some of his granddads classic routes such as obsession. I'm sure Bowden would have approved of the wine.
Brian Taylor completed his last Munroe this year. For those who don't know this means he has conquered some 284 peaks in Scottish weather and stuck 284 pins in a map of Scotland-(this is a common navigation technique employed by certain members of the KMC). Liverpool Jones continues to impress us with his skiing; winning his age category in the British roller skiing (not skating) championship, and competing in the world cross country in Norway earlier this year. As if this wasn't enough those in the club who are follicularly challenged can only be impressed that Alan can still sustain his Mohican hairstyle.
I think you would agree there are some impressive achievement within the club so there is no basis for saying the KMC is going soft, after all we still have gnarly climbers like Jim around. Al phoned Jim up one blustery Friday night to invite him to join an expedition to ice climb in Dover (on the weekend of the gales) and may have been a little taken aback to be told that "Jim would love to go but couldn't make it as he was already going to the ballet that night"
KMC members have also excelled themselves in other sports. Pete Walker completed another Manchester marathon. Al has been bunji jumping using a rope not UIAA approved for this purpose. Jim Gregson has been seen fox hunting on the M55
And it is rumoured that Rob Allen has taken up hair coursing, but I can't understand the link myself. There is also the KMC baby-rolling competition-Roger was seen rolling Cerys down a slope at Birchens but the prize has to go to Cathy for rolling her car, giggling baby Emma and herself in Buxton. Expect stiff competition next year however as baby Johnson enters the league, and a coup for Roger and Bridget - the birth of their 2nd child is expected to pioneer baby juggling. It is also rumoured that Brian and Michelle's baby Samantha is now big enough to roll her dad around.
This brings us to the KMC navigation award where we recognise the most navigationally challenged person. There are usually some notable contenders, and I'm usually one of them. This year however the contenders are:
The entire KMC for not finding the start of the fell race; there were only 3 entrants.
Kevin Anderson for ending up in North Wales rather than Torridon on his bank holiday meet.
Finally Mary who never seems to find her way to the annual dinner especially when she has been asked to give the after dinner speech. The winner is Kevin. I would ask you to come and get your prize but you would get lost end up in the kitchen or Linda Crossleys bedroom or something.
(Irritating mobile phone ringing the audience) Roisin Maddison: "it's for you Michelle"
"Hello Mary yes I'm still speaking, no I haven't given him a hard time infact I haven't mentioned him at all yet"
Mountaineers may seek solitude or empty spaces or equally crave companionship, and as Kevin said in his speech last year comradeship is one of the great aspects of the KMC which is illustrated by this tale from the Dolomites this summer. Phil and A Nother (name and address supplied) nearly got benighted on the Sella tower in the Dolomites. It was the usual case of a late departure and getting lost on the route. As night fell Neville, Sheena, Tony and Dave looked anxiously at the two spare seats and hungrily at the meal they had prepared. Meanwhile our 2 adventurers abseiled down with trepidation in the dark but I am sure would have been heartened by Sheenas concern as she announced the plan." I know" she said "we'll finish our meals and get pissed before looking for them with our head torches."
Where there is companionship there is often romance and some touching romances that have blossomed this year. Neville was seen holding hands with a friendly German chap on a glacier in the Brenta. Tony Gask has shall we say gone into "hiding" with his bird watching partner. Linda C walked the John Muir trail with someone else's fiancé, this was his practice honeymoon. When asked about the trip Linda said "it had gone well but she felt that she had had a bare behind for much of the trip" I' m sorry a bear behind her. Our own Ann Woolley is to wed next year depending on her remembering the partner, date, time and place. I have been reliably informed that there are no other romances to mention however do not despair ladies there are a few unaccompanied married men out tonight but sadly no Ken.
As a dietician I am always interested in digestive matters and as you relax after your meal ponder on the amazing fact that we produce on average 1000ml of digestive gas a day. Now I'm not very good at maths but over the course of my speech I estimate we should produce some 14 litres of air in this room. It just as well I'm not going for the KMC record of 45 minutes!
On a culinary not you may be interested in a recent publication by the KMC press, CMC - Cooking Mad Climbers , where some of our favourite members share their favourite recipes. I would like to read you a selection.
Pickled beet and ham - Take a young beet, soak in alcohol for 70 years and serve when ripe. This dish improves with age and will be the talk of all your KMC meets.
Duncans Sunday joint - No meat in this recipe, simply roll the joint and relax - this will also be the talk of your KMC meets.
Broadbottom bake - Prepare carefully. Put on the lower ledge of the oven. Leave to rise slowly for 6 hours. If the oven light goes out before it is ready ring the mountain rescue.
Bloody Hendrie - Truss legs together, crack nut on edge of the bowl, cover and whisk to hospital.
Cosolich chocolate cake - Ingredients flour, baking powder, eggs, sugar, margarine but no chocolate - no surprises there the cook has already eaten it.
Crossley carrot cake - Lots of carrots and cake. Great for night vision, for those long nights on dark mountain ledges - I know this was two years ago but it is still amusing
Enough of the KMC it is a great pleasure to welcome our honoured guests. I should have been introducing Jill Alldersley former president of the FRCC who is unfortunately unwell .Jill is a renowned Lakeland landscape artist it's a pity she doesn't do still life or she could paint Chris climbing. She may have decided not to come after the poor welcome she received on her first trip to Ty Powdr on a joint FRCC meet. She arrived late on Friday to find that someone had locked the door, so settled down for a cold uncomfortable night in the porch. As if this wasn't bad enough she was abruptly woken the next morning by an early riser inadvertently opening the metal door on her head- I'm ashamed to say that the early riser was me. We also have Cess Rhodes the current president of the rucksack club who has done lots of stuff on ice and rock in the Himalayas, States, Alps, and the North face of the Eiger. This is obviously not a big deal in the Rucksack club as when we asked his climbing partner if he really had climbed the North face he replied nonchalantly - "oh yeah". Last but not least I would like to introduce our guest speaker Sid Siddique who has allegedly climbed with Kevin; that's notoriety for you. Described by the BMC as a good bloke. He was born in Karachi and not in Bolt-on which is a belief of certain members of the Climbers Club. Please will you be upstanding for our honoured guests?????
