UNCLE B*STARD'S PROBLEM PAGE
All your personal, mountaineering and climbing climbing problems answered by the KMC Newsletter's very own caring and sensitive correspondent. All names, of potentially fictitious individuals - who may not even be members of the club, have been changed to protect the guilty.
Dear Uncle B*stard,
I am writing to you as one of the most elderly and experienced members of this Club. Imagine my dismay when, upon seeking shelter in a distant cosy moorland cave, in the company of a young lady, I was greeted by a substantial number of KMC members. Given as I am Not Long for This World, can't an old lech be left in peace?
Your "Ever Rambling Correspondent"
Dear "Ever Rambling Correspondent",
As you'd doubtless consumed a whole bottle of Famous Grouse the night before - what an impressive feat to get as far as you did!
Did the young lady's mother know she was out with you?
Seeing as I've never managed to get a young lady alone in the cave, I don't see why you should.
You seem to have overlooked the fact it was your meet!
Best regards, Uncle B.
Dear Uncle B*stard,
For the first nine months of this year my climbing has been increasingly restricted. This has been due to a large lump appearing on my abdomen. Having recently been relieved of this disruption, I would be grateful if you could suggest some ways of using it as a belay device.
Yours,
Jolly Jodhpurs of Cheshire
Dear Jolly Jodhpurs of Cheshire,
Here are some suggestions:
Haven't you got a husband you can leave the lump with?
The lump could come in useful for protecting serious off-width cracks. Make sure it is tightly wrapped in a plastic bag first.
More humanly, Mothercare do a good range of climbing harnesses.
It'll soon be big enough for you to use as a belay bunny.
For a peaceful day at the crag, I'm all for option 2.
Uncle B.
Dear Uncle B,
My dreams are shattered. Having recently joined the KMC, I thought it would be a way-cool-thing to hang-out with the Ladies Luncheon Club. Did the questionnaire in the last newsletter, but I just don't fit the Scene - Sayz I'm a roughty/toughty mountaineer or climber so I should stay well out the way of the LLC. I'm in despair - is it really not possible to be a serious climber and a member of the LLC at the same time?
Yours confused,
Erica Youngblood
PS Are you my real Uncle or my Uncle's short and balding ex-landlord?
Yo Erica,
Hoorrray!!! Another serious climber joins the KMC. However, I might have slightly misled you in suggesting that the LLC has anything to do with climbing. Though you never know, next years Cotswold Outdoor gear colours may just suit the LLC membership?
Sorry "niece" but my identity has to remain a closely guarded secret.
"Uncle" B.
This issue - All requests for advice to Uncle B*stard to:
rob.allen@eng.royalsun.com
Apologies to all of last months correspondents who tried to get in touch with Auntie B through Margaret Williams - We'd like to point out that the CAB doesn't handle these kind of personal issues, though Margaret is still taking hut booking. Animals, however, aren't allowed inside.
The Uncle B. KMC Millennium Quiz!!
(Multiple choice, I thought I would keep it simple for you!)
Which KMC doctor recently asked whether the mother was present at the birth?
- Dr Sabina "that's where spaghetti comes from?" Cosulich
- Dr Mary-Potato-Stuart
- Dr "Uncle?" Rob Allen
- Dr Jeremy Thunder-thighs Engineer
Which new KMC member has most damaged the age profile of the Club?
- Young Heather Brooke
- Very old John Dobson
- Dave "Malcolm" Garland - of completely indeterminate age.
- Joan Stuart - is she really only just twenty one?
Which KMC member was recently very audibly instructing young children in the use of bad language?
- Bridget F#&!÷% Mapleson
- Dave B@$?#*% Garland
- Linda ????? Crossley
- Craig "It's a technical climbing term" Marsden
Which KMC doctor recently flew to Bolivia to avoid giving a speech at the annual dinner?
- Kevin Anderson
- Dr Mary Stuart
- Peter Leeson
- Neville McMillan
Which KMC member forced his fair maiden to camp in the rain despite getting a free dinner?
- Dave Bone?
- Al Metelko??
- John Dobson???
- Jo Flynn (as long as Lester counts as a fair maid!)
Which KMC member would most easily find Planet Zorg?
- David "earth calling" Dillon
- Andrew Croughton with his GPS
- Michelle Harvey with her map-reading skills
- Dave "I've got a very large refractor" Wylie.
Which KMC member set the night on fire?
- The Health and Safety Wylie Committee
- Sheena Hendrie dancing naked on the table save for a thistle between her teeth and a small quantity of tartan home-spun.
- Sue "I've an enormous bonfire" Brooke
- Frank Dobson (or was it John?) or should it be Ken??
Which KMC member has the loudest snore? (Bonus points for naming the member who's slept with all of them to find out!)
- Dave Wittingham - Blew the hut windows out!!!
- Linda Crossley - Cleared the dorm!!
- Rob Allen - Severe earth tremors!
- Lynn Williams - Light ziz?
Answers to be published in the next edition of this Esteemed Organ.
