UNCLE B*STARD'S PROBLEM PAGE
All your personal, mountaineering and climbing problems answered by the KMC Newsletter's very own caring and sensitive correspondent. All names, of potentially fictitious individuals - who may not even be members of the club, have been changed to protect the guilty.
Dear Uncle B,
I was horrified to read your recommendations on protecting wide cracks. These do not comply with UIAA standards. The practice of putting babies in plastic bags is not recommended as this reduces friction against the rock. The specified UIAA method of tying off this type of protection is a clove hitch around the neck, this also solves the problem of noisy placements.
Best regards, Neville Crumbly
Dear Neville Crumbly,
Very many thanks for your most useful advice on protecting off-widths. However, I would like to point out that the use of protection at an earlier stage (CE0120) and purchase of a number 6 camelot would be a much cheaper option.
Earnest felicitations,
Uncle B.
Dear Uncle B,
I was recently so inspired by a superb slide show (by yours truly and most wonderfully) that I felt compelled to pen an ode that I would like to share with you.
"Thailand is in Asia" (*)
The rock is very steep
and I am very strong
the sea is very deep
and the sewage don"t half pong.
I squat in awe
physique belittled
temporarily inadequate
still mortal and no longer whole.
(*) patronising comment - for those of you who didn"t know.
Arnold-Lang Greekbody
Dear Arnold,
I'm not impressed by climbing, steep rock or big muscles.
By the way your footwork is crap.
Glad we cleared that one up.
Yours, Uncle B.
Dear Uncle B,
As a lover of the wide open spaces, I am worried that too many people are cluttering up the countryside. I've tried to reduce their numbers by taking a few gullible souls climbing - but to no avail. I recently tried to "loose" two punters on "Kamikaze Death-trap" (Grade XVI, Ben Dover) but, despite using fishing line as a rope and only belaying to the tail-feather of a sleeping ptarmigan, they managed to survive. What am I to do?
The man with no shoes.
Dear man with no shoes,
I think you need to find a safer pastime. Go into a small room with a revolver and a single bullet, spin the chamber and play that game from "The Deer hunter". This will still give you an adrenaline rush whilst improving the chances of you and your victims reaching your next birthdays.
Uncle B.
P.S. Do not try this with an automatic pistol. True, it would be more exciting but it would lead to a much shorter game.
Uncle B's bring and buy:
Book wanted:
"Fly fishing for old trout"
by J R Engineer
For Sale:
Two Ice Axes
Contact: Joan Stuart
For Hire:
Maternity Harness
Contact: B Mapleson/Cathy Gordon
Exchange:
Green flat cap for cool, trendy bouldering gear.
Contact: Colin Maddison.
Name change:
Please note that Dave Garland aka Malcolm would, in preference, like to be known as "Scumbag"!
Publication of the answers to Uncle B*'s Millennium quiz appear to have suffered from Year 2000 bugs. Particularly, there has been confusion over the answer involving Michelle Harvie, a large vat of hot custard and a small flock of penguins. We hope to have this cleared up in time for the next issue.
