UNCLE B*STARD'S PROBLEM PAGE
All your personal, mountaineering and climbing climbing problems answered by the KMC Newsletter's very own caring and sensitive correspondent. All names, of potentially fictitious individuals - who may not even be members of the club, have been changed to protect the guilty.
Dear Uncle B*stard (or should I call you Auntie?),
Having been photographed semi-nude by Gordon Standhard, should I leave the KMC for a career in modelling?
Arnold Greekbody
Dear Arnold,
You have a nice body all over, unlike most men in the KMC who only have nice bits. Therefore, stop admiring at yourself in the mirror and become my toy-boy.
Yours,
Auntie B.
Dear Uncle B*stard,
I have recently come across a clandestine organisation within the KMC known as the Ladies Luncheon Club. I would like to join but I am concerned about their lack of climbing.
Confused Girlie from South Manchester
Dear Girlie,
Hmm, in this day and age this is a very sensitive subject. I'm concerned that any comment could be construed as sexist. Instead ...in the best tradition of COSMOPOLITAN, here's a questionnaire for you to fill in:
Do you:
- ever get told in great detail by your boyfriend how to make a particular move? (10 points)
- ever tell your boyfriend in detail about a particular move ? (0 points)
- as a result of either of the above no longer have a boyfriend? (2 points)
- think a partner is somebody who holds your rope? (0 points)
Which would you do on a serious multi-pitch route
- set up a hanging basket. (10 points)
- set up a hanging belay. (0 points)
- scream for a tight rope. (2 points)
Do you think the Enchanted Broccoli Garden is:
- a hanging belay at Gogarth. (0 points)
- a new item on the menu at the Lead Station. (10 points)
- the latest fashion of back garden design in Didsbury and Chorlton. (10 points)
Do you think nuts are:
- an aperitif. (10 points)
- an item of protection. (0 points)
- something you need protection from. (2 points)
- something that only appears in your dreams. (10 points)
Your normal outdoor attire is:
- tatty Ron Hills and grubby T-shirt. (0 points)
- matching harness, rock boots, chalk bag and eyeliner. (10 points)
- chosen in consultation with the Colour Me Beautiful manual. (10 points)
SCORE:
0-2 points: You are obviously a roughty-toughty mountaineer or climber and therefore you should have nothing to do with the LLC.
2-20 points: you obviously have potential as a climber - contact either Goose (0891 675702) or Wavey (0891 230482) for further information.
20-100 points: You're obviously already a member of the LLC.
