UNCLE B*STARD'S PROBLEM PAGE
A few years ago we had a kind and gentle Agony Aunt, Auntie Dote, where club members could share their intimate problems with an understanding ear. Well, she's now retired and we have a new confident.
All your personal, mountaineering and climbing climbing problems answered by the KMC Newsletter's very own caring and sensitive correspondent. All names, of potentially fictitious individuals - who may not even be members of the club, have been changed to protect the guilty.
Dear Uncle B*stard,
I'm just back from a crack climbing holiday with my boyfriend. I hate crack climbing. Leading one particular pitch I used a friend belonging to my partner. It was a friend size three and a half and was a very tight fit. As I was scared, I didn't really care. When my boyfriend seconded the pitch he couldn't get the friend out of the crack. He spent an hour trying; he's really mean like that. What really upset me though was that he said I shouldn't have used a size three and a half because 'it was obviously a size three crack'. He can't afford to replace the lost friend. Should I buy him a new one? I'm a bit confused.
Yours, Maria Bella d' Clippa.
Dear Maria,
Lets face it, you've got a number of options here:
Dump him for being totally insensitive.
Dump him for being completely tight fisted
Tell him to get a proper job so a he can afford to replace the gear you loose for him. And, by the way, a proper hair cut wouldn't go amiss at the same time.
Personally, I'd go for all three. Hope that clears things up for you.
Yours, Uncle B.
Dear Uncle B*stard,
My husband and I are dead keen runners. We spend all our time training very seriously.
Recently we took part in a major mountain marathon event, only to be beaten by a couple of no-hope bumblies from this club. They beat us by loads on both days. It's really not fair coz they just don't take it seriously and never do any proper training.
We've got some super coaching lined up to address this. Is there anything else we should be doing?
Yours, Ailsa McShortlegs.
Dear Ailsa,
Bit of a poser. I probably ought to stop short of pointing out that you're a couple of very sad individuals. Instead, I'd suggest you give up competitive events and take up some harmless activity like Corbett bagging. You'll get more out of this than driving great distances just to go running for half an hour in the hope of winning a bit of silver.
Yours, Uncle B.
Dear Uncle B*stard
A member of your club recently crashed his bicycle into the back of my car. In doing so he smashed his head through the glass of the back window. My children were on the back seat at the time and have been completely traumatised by this event. Should we seek counselling?
Yours, Upset Driver of Manchester.
Dear Upset Driver of Manchester,
We, here in the KMC, have never had to resort to counselling despite years of being subject to the visage of the individual in question. Yes, it's a traumatic experience, but I don't hold with this counselling mumbo-jumbo. I have climbed with the person in question a number of times, so I've absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. Stop whinging, pull yourself together and suffer like the rest of us.
Hope that helps.
Your ever caring, Uncle B.
