"TyTankic": Dave Wylie
By Dave Wylie
The gripping story of the demise of the largest vessel in the history of climbing club huts...
Starring: Phil Ramsbottom, Chris Thickett, Steve Taylor, Alan Wylie
Supporting Cast: Iain McCallum, Pam McCallum, Lester Payne, A. Lintel
Special Guest Star: Elizabeth Taylor
Introducing: William Taylor
With an Appearance by: Emma Richards
Directed By: Dave Wylie
Day 1, Scene 1: In the Loft
Phil and Alan are inside the old metal tank (which has already been emptied, apart from an inch or so of rust coloured water sloshing around in the bottom) attempting to cut their way out with angle grinders. Chris is on the outside, with a sheet of wood, trying to deflect the sparks away from anything too flammable. Repeated cries of "We need more cutting disks" are heard faintly above the scream of tortured metal. Phil's angle grinder finally burns out completely and the remains of the tank, which are still to large to get through the trapdoor, are cast aside and left to rust in pieces.
Day 1, Scene 2: Bangor
Dave and Steve brave the horrors of B&Q and Wickes in an attempt to purchase a lintel, angle grinder disks, pipe connectors and insulation. "Why is it always me that ends up paying for this stuff", complains Steve as he mislays yet another receipt.
Interval: Saturday Lunch
A sumptuous spread of soup, rolls and cheese courtesy of the McCallum Catering Company.
Day 1, Scene 3: The Ladies Loo
Dave attacks the washroom wall with hammer and chisel. The air fills with dust, and the floor fills with rubble.
Day 1, Scene 4: Back in the Loft
Three new large plastic water tanks are manhandled into place. Installation commences, with Steve setting a new loft-speed-record for plumbing. It is now like a sauna up there, with the sunshine beating on the roof and wisps of steam rising from the last few puddles of water in the old tank. People take turns at being Punkawalla, fanning cool air up from the trapdoor.
Day 1, Scene 5: The Upper LHS Dormitory
Iain removes the old threadbare carpet, and lays thick cork tiles on the floor.
Day 1, Scene 6: In the Kitchen
Lester takes the old, condemned, disconnected gas fire off the wall.
Day 1, Scene 7: The Ladies Loo
Dave continues banging away, and achieves breakthrough. The hole grows rapidly, and soon the new lintel is lifted into place.
Day 1, Scene 8: The Loft Again
The final pipe connections are made, and the water is turned back on. The tanks begin to fill. There are no leaks. Sighs of relief are heard. Once the tanks are full, various taps round the hut are tried - but some of them don't work. Dark mutterings and swearing are heard. A sticking stop-tap and an airlock are found and cured. Water flows. Success!
Interval: Supper
The guest stars arrive: Elizabeth Taylor, William and Emma come to rescue Steve. The McCallum Caterers excel themselves with a veritable feast of lasagne (with a special one for the veggies), followed by apple pie. Everyone is replete. The Taylor family depart.
Day 2, Scene 1: The Loft
Trace heating and insulation are fitted to pipes and tanks, to ensure that they will not be destroyed by icebergs.
Day 2, Scene 2: In the Woods
Iain and Pam attend to the various plantations of trees round the hut.
Day 2, Scene 3: The Ladies Loo
The new lintel is cemented into place, and the space below it is blanked off with a sheet of wood to save any blushes. The rubble is cleared up.
Day 2, Scene 4: Near Queensferry
Stationary traffic stretches as far as the eye can see. The cast sit in their cars/van sweltering in the sunshine, wishing that they'd been out on the hill all weekend rather than stuck inside.
--==## The End ##==--
This has been a KMC Production (c) 1998 HMG Projects
