The Old Men Of Hoy (the real story)
By Jim Symon
Over a beer or two in the pub. Me and Liam were discussing ambition and ideas of what to do in our 50th year. One that had been playing around in my mind for many years was the Old Man of Hoy. Then suddenly it popped out “What about the Old Man of Hoy ?” Liam paused or was it choked on his beer “That would be fantastic if we could do that !” “A team of three would be better and someone to do the hard bit” “Do know anyone daft enough” “Oh yes. A few days later I was climbing with Paul Evans and put the question to him. “F****** to right!” “F******Hell!”. I must apologise to the reader for Paul’s profanity, but in order to give a true account, I must give a fair, honest and impartial rendition of the facts. It has to be said that Paul’s language is enough to make me and Liam blush. It’s fair to say Paul was interested and up for an adventure. This put the average age of the team to well over 50 now! I told Ken O’Connor about our little trip (Ken is the mechanic to many a KMC motor). He said he had friends on Hoy and wouldn’t mind going up to see them. So the stage was set for team Old Men on a mission to Hoy. We set off pre midge season [April] at midnight and arrived at Thurso on Saturday morning in time for the first ferry to Orkney. The banter was good and so was the forecast for the next three days. The ferry to Orkney goes right past the Old Man. As soon as it came into sight we all went on deck to see it in all its glory, I remember noticing the noise of the engines vividly as we passed the sandstone giant. You could have heard a pin drop. Yes we all went very quiet in our own thoughts. I quietly hoped that the weather would hold, so that we could give it a good go. We swapped boats at Kirkwall and loaded the small boat to Hoy with stacks of gear. The boat staggered in to Hoy and we were met by Steph at the terminal. I’d noticed Paul had bought a one way ticket, “No use wasting your money” he explained. Steph’s car creaked and groaned under our combined weight and grounded a few times on the track to their house. Ken checked the undercarriage of the little car and gave it the OK. John and Steph were fantastic hosts and we settled in very quickly.
The day dawned bright and sunny, we couldn’t believe our luck. Breakfast was a quiet affair and John dropped us off and walked in with us. It was a good track and we wandered with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. The Old Man came into view. It went quiet as we looked down at this enormous sea stack. I remember Paul’s choice comments about something he would want to have done to him sideways. After a bout of nervous laughter and photographs, we set to the task of descending loose mud and rocks. Paul’s choice of footwear was as bad as his choice of language.
We geared up at the base and it looked even bigger from below. Liam set off up the first pitch and John left us to go for a walk. Ken was still in two minds about doing the route, he was happy to take photos and see how we got on from below. The first pitch was pleasant climbing on good holds and good rock. I reached Liam and anchored myself. Paul came up and informed us that Ken would follow. I was pleased with this, I knew Ken resist. The next pitch was Paul’s lead, which was the crux. I belayed Paul as Liam belayed Ken up the first pitch. The traverse down and across was damp, sandy and very exposed. Paul took his time and picked his way across to the arete and chimney. I lost view of him as he ascended the chimney and paid the ropes out carefully. Ken was still below and could relay information about his progress.
Ken gave us the thumbs up that he had got over the crux. Communication was difficult because of the crashing waves below. I started off when ropes came tight, gave Liam a smile and set off into the void. A fall would mean a very large pendulum swing, which I was happy to avoid. The sand on the ledge was like traversing on micro ball bearings. A few choice words and I was across and below the chimney. “Nice lead Paul” I thought to myself. The banter was good and we were relaxing into the climbing. I looked up and it was crack all the way up and sea all the way down (“I’m going to enjoy this !”) I thought. A few grunts here and a few arm bars there. It was brilliant! The crux was done a la dog humping your leg, followed by glorious hand jamming to reach Paul on the small ledge. “Well done mate, cracking lead”. Paul was smiling and relieved, he revealed that he had not wanted to let us down by failing on the crux and had not slept much. I was relieved too because otherwise I would have had to have had a go, Phew!
Liam came up blowing like a train. We stuck Liam in the small alcove (because he was the smallest) The sight of Liam getting into this confined space, brought tears of laughter to our eyes, not to mention some of his Crumpsall language. I laughed so much I nearly fell of my perch. To add to Liam’s woes and our joy the rope to Ken got jammed and he had to go down and release the jammed rope and do the crux all over again and the get back in to his little alcove: “life doesn’t get much better than this!”
I led the 3rd pitch which was OK but a bit loose and rotten. Then Liam led a more difficult 4th pitch around a bulge, we followed and we were all together below the 5th and final pitch on a large ledge where a fulmar was winking at Ken in his old Joe Brown helmet but fortunately it decided against sharing its lunch with us. The views all around and beneath us were fantastic and the atmosphere with the waves crashing below was quite unforgettable. I set off up the final pitch - a large steep crack. I moved a couple of no.4 friends up the crack as these were the only ones fit for a while. I could see right through the crack to blue skies: my smile was getting bigger and wider as I neared the top. In my mind I replayed the dreams of this moment… Joe Brown, Tom Patey, TV films, books, heroes I had looked up to had been here in this very place! A boy’s dream come true. After all that’s what we really are - older boys still playing at adventures.
Liam joined me and said what a privilege it was to be here. We shook hands and grinned from ear to ear. A good tick for our 50th year and so much more. Meanwhile Ken and Paul had decided it was time to get off and so sorted out the abseil. We started our descent. On one of the abseils the rope would not pull through so I had go back up to free the knot - it had been stuck fast on a rock noggin. We got to the last abseil which was a cracker. Ken, who I know hates abbing off, was deathly pale, he looked like he was ready to go to the gallows. Me and Liam tried to make light of it but Ken couldn’t hear us as he was in his own zone. A free 60 metre abseil, spinning around as you lowered, descender getting hotter and finally relief as feet hit the ground. Job done! Now it was time to get back up to the cliff top. I took care with each foot placement as a slip would not be wise at this stage. As we reached the top the sun was starting to set. We all shook hands and relaxed - a fantastic day.
John and Steph did us an excellent meal that night and we all slept well. Liam didn’t even complain of Ken’s Chinese snoring. Next morning we went for a short walk with John around the coast and came back knackered. It was straight into the pub, just as it opened. Steph was there with her friend Mad Mary and introduced us as fresh meat. We gave back a worried smile. Steph and Mary were knocking the drinks and we got talking to the locals. Liam got talking with Mad Mary and asked where she lived, Mary replied “Get your coat on I’ll show you!” The pub erupted in laughter and Liam could only grin nervously. (Like a worm on hot shovel comes to mind.) It’s the only time I’ve seen Liam stuck for words. It made my evening. We gave Liam his new nickname ‘Beefy’. The evening past in a haze of alcoholic banter. We had to physically carry Steph into her house. Her passing words before bed were “You’re all lovely hic !” John and Steph were fantastic hosts and we had a great time touring Orkney in John’s car.
It was time to head back to the mainland and the weather was still glorious. We stopped off at Torridon and we each had ticks to do. We stayed at Strathcarron hostel and next morning it was cloudy. Me and Liam set sights on the Cioch nose at Apple cross, Paul and Ken for climbing at Diabeg. We were driven up through the mist. Paul was heckling how much fun we were going to have in the clouds. Then instantly shut up as we broke through the clouds into glorious sunshine. The Black Cuillin were sticking out like ships on a sea of mist. “Wow f****** hell I’ll get my camera out!” Paul was off expleting again. Me and Liam set off from the Bealach Na Ba in tee shirts and wished the lads well. Finding the Cioch Nose from above was problematic as all of the Torridon sandstone rock strata looks the same from above. After a few dead end tracks and lots of sweating up and down hills we found the Cioch Nose route - a classic Bonnington/Patey route. It was brilliant: nowhere hard, fantastic clean sandstone rock, big holds and fine vantage points looking down and around at the magnificent mountain scenery. We polished the climb off in about a third of the time that it took us to find it, but well worth the effort. On our way down Liam got a call on his mobile - he instantly ‘saluted’, “who is it - Captain Mainwaring?” I asked, “yes” he replied and so I stood to attention and saluted too. It was Paul (Captain Mainwaring) Evans checking on our progress. He gave us our instructions to get down. “Proceed down the valley. Straight to the dam. Do not deviate. We will meet you there at zero six hundred hours. Have you got that? Gooood. Fine. See you there.” Liam being Liam wound him up by saying “which dam?” In good old fashioned Captain Mainwaring style Paul answered “There’s only one you stupid boy!!!” We chuckled to ourselves. Paul loves giving instructions just as much as we love taking the piss!
The banter on this trip was one of the best things about it. We did the routes we wanted to do and we did it laughing all the way. Paul and Ken did a cracking ascent of Diabaigh Pillar, E2 5B. We all met up at the dam and it was time to head homewards. We were all buzzing. It had been a great adventure shared with a cracking bunch of mates.
The End!
Jim Symon.
