The threat from Heir Editor that if my meet report wasn't ready for this issue of Pravda I would be driven by Chris Williamson to rendezvous with Al Metelko for a night time assault on some slimy Welsh classic has paid dividends.

This year's Fell Race was a tortoise and hare event, with the two main roles played by Lorna Marsland and Mark Williams respectively (at least once the handicap system had kicked in).

There was a staggered launch of the runners onto the course, with those boot, rucsac and paunch laden runners heading off first, shortly followed by the walsh wearing whippets, and finally bringing up the rear a small category of one for those chronometrically challenged (i.e. BST and Smailliw Knarf - mentioning no names!!)

The course was basically from the Wheatchief pub in Old Glossop, up the grouse buts on Cock hill, bog trotting over towards Bleaklow, a sharp descent to join Doctors Gate, back towards Glossop with a short detour up Shire Hill (not appreciated by many of the runners it would seem), before a final sprint back up to the pub, where I checked them in whilst enjoying a fine pint of Guinness (I'd done the run the day before - promise). For military reasons the only numerical facts I am permitted to reveal about the course are that it was essentially a gentle ramble along a little over 3 miles of good quality peak paths with a gradual ascent of somewhere in the region of 90 feet.

Without further ado, the results of this pleasant potter past the peaks' precious pearls of paradise were, in descending order:

 Plus two refusals: Linda-I only do it on all fours-Batey and Vinni-butter wouldn't melt-Goodman Although Mark-the hare-Williams put in a sterling physical performance, fell running is also about mental faculties, observational skills, visual and aural ability etc. Unfortunately in not locating the second marshal (dressed in a bright red cagoule) Mark clearly demonstrated an absence of these latter elements, and in so doing had to be, according to the rules (and rules are, after all, for the guidance of fools and not the blind obedience of the wise - or something like that!?*), reluctantly disqualified. I would like to request that if anyone has seen Mark since the race that they could contact their local Police, as unfortunately Mark has not arrive home yet.

THE HANDICAP

I had been informed that in previous years a rather quaint handicap system had been employed and operated by KMC's very own Mr Beetham. Whilst it is important that tradition not be forgotten it is also necessary to move with the times, these are after all New times in which we live, and therefore it is important that a New, prudent performance measure be introduced.

The New system adopted (as recommended by Mandelson and verified by Campbell) relied on a rigorous, objective and strictly scientific assessment of each individual's running ability.

The following list is in order of merit based on the New system. The list also contains essential information and dimensions about each of the said competitors.

Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to all those who took part - without you I could have had an enjoyable day's climbing!! Also a big thanks from myself and all the runners (except M.W) to the marshals (Alison Gilbody, Alan Jones and Ert Clark) without whom the KMC would have had fewer members.

The Daytime Entertainment

The Annual Fjell Fun Run coincides with the beginning of British Summer Time.so don't forget to set your clocks the night before to make sure you get to each event in time. (1.30pm sharp, Sunday 29 March 1998 - at least that's when it starts....!!??). The Fell Race is being organised by Kevin Anderson. Here's his bit first.

Meet in the car park outside the Wheatchief pub, on the corner of Church Street, Old Glossop. To get there head out towards Sheffield on the A57, cross over the main traffic lights at the top-end of Glossop town centre (Norfolk Arms on the left), continue on for approximately 400m (about ¼ mile, 20 chains, 73 fathoms, 2 furlongs, in old money, or 0.00000134 seconds at the speed of light for those travelling with Chris Williams ), turn left off the A57 bythe Commercial Inn and head up Manor Park Road for another 400m. This road eventually becomes Church St. As it bears sharply left you'll see the Wheatchief and carpark on your right.

Alternatively, let the train take the strain - they run (well sometimes) on Sundays now. As you come out the station turn left up the hill, walk for about 5 minutes then turn right down Hall Meadow Road - this turns into Church St. Keep walking till the road bears sharply to the right and you'll be next to the Wheatchief (also near the Bull and just 30 seconds from the Queens!!)

To give us all time to get showered, shaved, into our smart Ron Hills and over to New Mills for the evenings fun, frolick and festivities the race (used in its loosest sense) will begin at 1.30pm, so be there by 1.15pm.

I've arranged for those of you who either break into a sweat, or more likely are pushed into a peat bog by one of your competitors, to use the Glossop leisure centre showers after the run (55p each, that's 11 bob to the older members). The leisure centre is just five minutes walk from where those of you that survive will finish the run,or should I say be finished by the run!!!!

Although, as usual the run details are kept a carefully guarded secret until after the race, I can leak a few bits of useful info (or beta to you rock jocks - not that we'll see any of you on the run as your legs are no doubt too thin to carry you further than from the car to the wall - go on, prove me wrong):

Distance - between 7 and 11ish miles.

Altitude gained - not more than 3000'.

Terrain - some track, some paths (the sheep type), lots of peat and heather, river crossings, gentle scrambling.

Compulsory Equipment:

• Fell type shoes,
• Running clothes (that includes you Cathey!!)
• Map (no, not the Snowdon one again Chris Ivory) - Dark Peak
• Compass
• Wind proof
• Small rucsac, bum bag or large pocket,
• Pen/pencil
• Choclate or equivalent
• Letter of conscent from parents, spouse or religous leader.

Optional Equipment:

• Rope, axes etc,
• Flares ( but no bell bottoms)
• Survival blanket or bag,
• Dog/s - with leads!!

Definitely no horses, helicopters, mountain bikes or scramblers.

And now for the incentives.

1st - A free shower

2nd - A night in Ogwen with either Linda or Chris - or both for those who like that sort of thing.

3rd - A make-over and photo shoot by Reddish's answer to David Bailey

4th - Night climbing with Al Metelko(must have own car and head torch!!)

5th - A weekend orienteering withChris Ivory

6th - A 'water' bottle signed by Ken Beetham

plus many others.*!?#

So that's it folks. See you there - it'll be easier than it sounds -promise!!??

The Evening Entertainment.

The Hot Pot and Slide show is at the Swan Hotel on Buxton Road (A6), New Mills. The doors are open at 6pm and we will be sitting down to eat at 7pm. The cost is £5 for the meal and I need to know numbers at least a week before. Also when booking could you indicate if you want a vegitarian meal.

There will be a Slide Show to follow so please get your slides in early (if possible). Hand your slides and photos to Andy Croughton as soon as you can (like now) so the judge can be bribed early. Please hand them in by the 19th March to help Andy. (so he can put a few extras in).

Just to remind you, the catagories are;

1. Mountain Landscape,
2. Rock Climbing Action,
3. Human Interest and
4. Mountaineering Action.

The slides should have been taken during the last 12 months or so, with people submitting a maximum of 3 slides in each category. Please mark all you slides with your name and the category in which you are entering. PLEASE NOTE :- Really humourous slides can have this years date written on in ball point pen and there is no limit on the number submitted.

Booking for the Hot Pot to me at the pub or at my address in the handbook.