Karabiner MC: Meet Viewer

RJUKAN VI: ‘The Invasion of the Planners’ (or “I’ll have that with a bit of bread”)

Present: Colin Maddison, Roisin Maddison, Craig Marsden, Gareth ‘Puppy Dog’ Williams, Lucie Crouch, Andy Stratford, Dave ‘Woody Woodpecker” Bish, Katie Horgan, Jim ‘Telemark’ Symon, Phil Jarvis, Bob ‘Dusty Bin’ Kelly

Author’s Preface

This year Craig and I pitched up in Rjukan in Norway’s Telemark region for visit number six. With a motley assortment of climbers and skiers in tow we divided the team between two well equipped and brightly coloured cabins at Rjukan Hytteby. Handily situated within a couple of minute’s walk of the pizza restaurant, swimming pool and hot tub this proved an ideal spot to slum it for a week.

The meet leaders plus Roísin, Bob, Katie and Dave took Chalet 2 and settled into the casual informality of their holiday. Across the road in Chalet 3, much to the bemusement of Jim and Phil, was a much more organised scene. Many plans were made including venues, routes, menus and washing up, bathroom and clean underwear rotas.

Over the following days the team practiced (and some of them needed it) their various arts across the valley. Inevitably, with such dispersed activity, in writing this report it has been necessary to rely on eyewitness accounts of some of the events. Clearly, whilst I know all these men and women to be individuals of the utmost integrity I can accept no responsibility for the accuracy of these accounts!

Colin Maddison

Prologue

D Day minus 60 – Gareth, “What’s the plan for the first morning Colin?”

D Day minus 30 – Andy, “I think it would be a good plan if we all went to Krokan on the first day.”

D Day plus 1 – Colin, “What do you fancy today?” Craig, “I’m not sure. Another cup of coffee?”

.... and so the scene is set. Andy and Gareth have come over from Chalet 3 to discuss plans; we don’t have one.

Expedition Report

The evening before the flight to Oslo Torp was uneventful and we rendezvoused with Katie and Dave who had arrived earlier from Stansted and Russia respectively. Dave had already selected the cheapest of the seven hire cars he’s managed to order! Andy and Craig had been more conservative in their transactions having reserved one apiece.

Craig puts the pedal to the metal and pretty much keeps it there. Overtaking is undertaken with surgical precision. Irate Norwegian motorists are left fuming in our wake and flashing their headlights furiously.

“Why’s he flashing me like that?”

“Tad close old boy. Could see the whites of his eyes from here. Remember you’re sat on the left.”

We arrive at Rjukan Hytteby at abour 12.30am in two hours twenty minutes; probably some sort of a record. Close behind are Gareth and co who’ve been following. Naturally, Dave, Katie and Phil, who have a Sat Nav, arrive an hour and fifty minutes later! Four hours forty minutes in total and probably another sort of record. A triumph of faith in technology; “We saw the sign pointing left to Rjukan but the Sat Nav said straight on; then sometime later the road ended.”

The food is unpacked; Dave and Katie have done some interesting shopping, “What are these odd looking vacuum packed things? Some sort of fish cakes?”

Bob, “Hmm. I’ll have those with a bit of bread for breakfast.”

Saturday 9^th February

Saturday morning. The fish cakes are decidedly odd but somehow much to Bob’s satisfaction.

Despite the initial setback Andy and Gareth have soon organised a small but impeccably well planned expedition to Krokan consisting of themselves, Lucie, Bob, Dave, Phil and Jim.

Craig and I take Roísin and Katie up to the ski centre to get sorted with skis and lift passes then we ease ourselves into water ice on the three pitch Ameringsjernfossen (WI 3). A cunning choice between hairpins where parking on the bend allows you to walk down to the start of the climb and back down to the car from the top. The ice is brittle; it’s much colder than usual at around -15/16 °C.

Up at Krokan things are going mostly to plan. It’s even colder but the team are getting into the swing of things leading and top-roping a number of single pitch route from WI 2 – WI 4, including Bullen, Gaustaspokelse and Kjokkentrappa.

Down the valley on the vast and frozen Lake Tinnsjø the local fishermen use large augers to drill holes through which they dangle line and bait.

Up at Krokan Dave uses himself to punch a large hole in the frozen river Måna. Up to his armpits in freezing water greater crisis is only averted as he is belaying Bob who is now functioning as a counter-balance on the top rope.

Later, Bob has been shopping and we now have a dubious fish sausage in addition to dodgy fish cakes, but no beer. The President orders an immediate inquiry.

Bob, “It’s okay, I’ll have that in the morning with a bit of bread.”

“Yes, but what about the beer?” That evening a few of us head to the bar for a beer or two, but not before Andy and Gareth have been over to ask about the plans we don’t have for the following day.

Later in the bar, a casual observer, “Andy looked a bit tired after the climbing.”

Eyewitness, “Hmm, yes. All effort and no finesse.”

Sunday 10^th February

Sunday morning and it is a snowy day after a snowy night with 3" of new snow outside the cabins. In Cabin 2 some are quicker out of bed than others and Sergeant Bob threatens Roísin with circuits in the snow with her make-up bag above her head if she doesn’t get up.

There’s a knock at the door heralding the arrival of Andy and Gareth, “We wondered what your plan was?” We don’t have one of course but everything falls into place anyway.

It’s more downhill for Roísin and Katie and Bob and Lucie are going up to the ski centre with them to try out the x-country. Andy, Gareth, Dave, Phil and Jim head for the Upper Gorge.

In due course, Craig and I head down to the Svadde area but find the routes snowed up. The Bølgen area’s the same and finally we find ourselves above the town centre where Tjønnstadbergfossen (WI 4) gives us four fine pitches on mostly good ice.

Later Bob reports the day’s x-country skiing to be quite satisfactory. He’s got on pretty well, but the side-stepping down the hills is slowing him down!

The lads return about 7.00pm from the Upper Gorge where Andy, Gareth and Dave have scored well on the classic three pitch Trappfoss (WI 4).

Optimistically, after a well organised meal Andy and Gareth come to enquire about the plans we still don’t have and most of the team repair to the bar for beer and banter.

Monday 11^th February

Monday morning is cold at around - 15°C, but Andy and Gareth are pleased to discover that Phil, Jim and Dave at least have a plan.... and a little less pleased to discover shortly after that they have a different plan.... followed shortly by another one. Finally, Andy comes over to say Gareth is driving them to the Bølgen area before coming back to pick him up for a return to the Upper Gorge.

Craig and Colin, “Oh, we could go to Bølgen.” A small vein throbs in Andy’s forehead.

There seems to be a trend in modern mountaineering to try and buy ones experience. Instructors ply their trade lucratively, generally as a rope of three on only the most popular of routes. For wads of cash they will download to their clients the entire encyclopaedia of how to climb, except it would seem for the chapter on ‘How to get a b****y move on’.

The clients are less entrepreneurial than the instructors and will pass on their new found wisdom unsolicited and free of charge. Today is no exception and finding themselves behind such a trio on the four pitch, 3 Star classic Bolgen (WI 3). Jim, Phil and Dave learn that, “You don’t climb behind another team in Rjukan”. Grateful for this generous gesture they reciprocate by demonstrating free of charge that you do.

Meanwhile, I’ve started up the neighbouring To Menn og et Foster (WI 4); allegedly four pitches. A long first pitch is steep and a bit hollow in places, but the placements are generally good. Craig follows and runs out a second long pitch on which the ice is more brittle. A third pitch brings us to some distance below where the guidebook indicates a second belay!

But more of a concern to Craig is that it has brought us to below what proves to be the crux. What follows is the most bad tempered lead. The distinctive and repetitive call of an ice climbing Marsden echo around the valley, “**** off! **** off! **** off!”

I follow and it’s steeper than it looks, brittle and chandeliered. At the top it is vertical, fluted and slightly under cut .... ‘**** off!’

Above Craig is basking contentedly in the afterglow of blind terror. The guidebook indicates one rope length to go but a full sixty metres brings us to another 30 metre pitch! Craig and ushers me on. It’s steep to start and steeper to finish but a sense of urgency overtakes the normal sense of fear. We top out and traverse through the trees in the last of the light and descend by head torch in seven abseils.

Meanwhile, Gareth and Andy have ticked off another three pitch WI 4, Blind Tarmen, in the Upper Gorge before joining Katie and Roísin for a swim.

Up in the snowy wilds the x-country skiers have been making progress in their individual ways; Lucie working on her technique and Bob getting more used to the frequent face-plants.

That evening in Chalet 2 the door opens and in a pre-emptive strike we announce we have no plan.

The Pope resigns in apparently unrelated circumstances.

Tuesday 12^th February

Breakfast is underway in Chalet 2 as there’s a knock at the door. A sudden blur, the bedroom door slams and suddenly the space that Dave had occupied is empty; only the words “Shit a plan” linger in the air to tell of his passing.

I’m downhill skiing with Roísin today. Or at least I’m trying to, but she’s going like a downhill racer. We’re starting the runs together and meeting again at the bottom. “Hi dad. Been taking a rest?”

Somewhere out on one of the x-country circuits Bob is extracting himself from yet another snowdrift as Lucie glides past with a wave and a cheery, “I’ve been practicing some more you know”. Bob books himself a lesson.

The Lower Gorge boasts a number of good single and two pitch routes so the rest of the party head off there for a fun day of climbing and filming (see the website), ticking off five routes including Camillas Foss (WI 3), Skrotfossen (WI 3) and Pentium (WI 3). The

highlight is Katie’s aged plastic boots exploding in the cold.

Inadvertently, Dave has been allowed to do more shopping for Chalet 2 and we now have pickled herring in addition to dubious fish sausage and dodgy fish cakes, allegedly as an appetiser!

Bob, “Don’t throw the juice away. I’ll have that with a bit of bread for breakfast.”

After supper, Andy and Gareth arrive from across the way. “We wondered if .....” “No we don’t.”

But Gareth is excited. As Craig observed, “It’s a bit like having a Border Collie that can talk.”

“What time you getting up? Where you going? Which socks are you wearing? Who’s in which car? What’s for lunch?”

“Get down!”

But as with any puppy one must pick up the ball and throw it and so enough information is extracted for Andy and Gareth to cement their plan.

Wednesday 13^th February

The team awake to a fine morning. Andy and Gareth have headed off on their mission.

Colin, “So they went off early.” Phil, “No, they got up early.”

According to those lying strangely wide awake in their beds in Cabin 3, Andy and Gareth are up at 6.00am for the 10 minute walk into the Upper Gorge for the three pitch Bakveien (WI 4) and away promptly at 8.15am, having thoroughly debated and deciding that vital seconds can be gained by wearing helmets and harnesses in the car.

Bob has pickled herring juice and bread for breakfast, which is apparently excellent; indeed, almost as good as fried spam.

While the girls and Bob head off up to the ski centre for more adventure on the slopes and x-country circuits, the rest of us pile into one car for the 30km drive round to Kong Vinter, an area none of us have visited before. It is a beautiful valley with the climbing set in an impressive amphitheatre accessed by an awesome 60m abseil.

Unfortunately, Craig is unwell so returns to Rjukan.

Dave and I select a WI 4 that might be Kong Vinter. On pitch one Dave takes it nice and steady. I take some video footage of him but have to pan round to Phil and Jim on a neighbouring un-named WI 3 in case it’s mistaken for still photography! Panning back I try to calculate if Dave is any higher. His axes tap at the ice like a timid woodpecker. God it’s cold down here. “Give it some welly!”

Next door Phil has reached a belay and is bringing Jim up, who leads through on a pitch so scary he’d rather risk his neck on skis the next day! The angle is easy but the ice is rotten and the placements rubbish; just one screw in 30m and that just half in.

Finally, Woody Woodpecker has set another sort of record and the call comes to follow. The second pitch is steeper but the ice more plastic and soon we meet the others at the top.

Back at the cabin Roísin is sat with a bag of snow on a badly swollen knee from a big tumble on a black run; speed and confidence having at last overtaken her. Alone, self rescue ensues, skiing one-legged to the bottom, up on the chair and one legged skiing back to the centre. That’s my girl!

Bob reports the x-country lesson as a great success. The face-plants are now much less frequent, though rather more painful due to the increased downhill speed.

Enquiries about plans are now coming by text to save energy and avoid rejection.

Thursday 14^th February

Thursday’s a little warmer with clear skies and scattered attempts at planning. Katie, Dave and Phil head for the slopes and Bob, Lucie, Andy and Jim go for the x-country.

In the Upper Gorge Blind Tarmen (WI 4) provides Craig and myself with more sport than expected as Craig, ignoring the obvious line to the left, forces a route up the steepest ice he can find to the right. At least the blind part of the name seems appropriate.

Meanwhile, Gareth has teamed up with another visiting climber for the stunning Sabotørfossen (WI 5).

Later, Bob, “I’ve been skiing with the Keystone Cops!”

Jim has been x-country skiing by the seat of his pants, most of which has been left on the slopes. He’s been having a little difficult with the skiing. Turning is the main problem, along with going downhill, uphill and standing still; although kicking his skis down the track is down to a fine art.

Later, he is lost and alone somewhere out on the x-country circuit. How to find his way back? A random skier passes and Jim decides to follow him back to the ski centre. Later still at the lone skier’s front door a down cast Jim attempts a U-turn. Much later, he is once again heading in the opposite direction. Finally, just before the search party heads out, Jim arrives back at the ski centre by a variety of means most of which do not involve skiing as we know it.

Andy, apparently, has taken to skiing like a duck to water and to ski jumping like a pregnant goose landing on ice.

Thursday evening and Cabin 3 has plenty of food but none of it compatible for an appetising meal; jam, mackerel, digestive biscuits, fish sausage.

Bob, “That’s alright. I’ll have all that with a bit of bread.”

The rest of us go for a pizza.

Sometime later Jim arrives for a beer.

Roísin, innocently, “Oh, did you come on your skis?”

Friday 15^th February

Dave and Katie head off skiing and most of the rest pay another visit to the lower gorge. Craig, Bob and myself do some final tidying, during which, being Rjukan, the talk turns to heavy water and saboteurs.

Colin, “They survived all winter hiding up on the Haardangervidda living on wild reindeer.”

Craig, “Yes, they even ate the stomach contents for extra nutrients.”

Bob, “Hmm, I’ll have that with a bit of bread.”

Roísin and I visit Rjukan hospital to have her knee examined. We’re seen within half an hour. The knee is x-rayed and the doctor pronounces no bone damage but she should have a MRI scan to check for ligament damage. They don’t have that facility so next day we visit Salford Royal NHS Trust Hospital. We wait three hours and tell them the knee has been x-rayed, there is no bone damage and a MRI scan is recommended. They x-ray the knee and pronounce no bone damage. Two weeks later they recommend an MRI scan. The NHS the listening service!

Everyone seemed to have a great week. Thanks to all who came. I love it when a plan comes together!